8 Bad Lessons You Should Avoid Teaching Children

Parenting is often called the most challenging job in the world, and for good reason! It’s a constant journey filled with challenges, joy, and a great deal of learning for both parents and children. Many parents hope they’re teaching their children important values and life skills. While most parents feel confident, it’s easy to accidentally pass on some “bad lessons” without even realizing it. These unhealthy lessons, if left uncorrected, can shape a child’s future in ways we may not intend.

We’ve consulted with child psychologists and parenting experts to bring you a list of eight common bad lessons that many parents unknowingly teach. But don’t worry! We’re also here to offer positive, healthy ways to help your kids grow into strong, confident, and independent adults. Let’s dive in and learn how to avoid these bad lessons and teach better ones!

Key Takeaways

• Rethink Punishment: Avoid taking things away as punishment; instead, focus on teaching kids to learn from mistakes and make amends.
• Encourage Openness: Teach children to speak up about serious issues like bullying, rather than fearing being labeled a “snitch.”
• Validate Emotions: Allow children to express all feelings, including negative ones, and guide them in healthy ways to cope.
• Teach Self-Worth: Help kids understand their value, so they don’t feel the need to please others or sacrifice their own needs constantly.
• Focus on Growth, Not Just Grades: Emphasize effort, learning, and developing diverse skills over simply achieving perfect scores.

Bad Lesson #1: Making a Mistake Means Losing Something

When a child makes a mistake, it’s natural for parents to want to correct the behavior. Often, this leads to the use of punishment. Psychologists talk about different kinds of responses to behavior:

• Positive Reinforcement: Giving a child something they like (like a treat) when they do something good.
• Negative Reinforcement: Taking away something a child doesn’t like (like an early bedtime) when they do something good.
• Positive Punishment: Adding something a child isn’t a fan of (like extra chores) when they do something wrong.
• Negative Punishment: Taking away something a child loves (like TV or video games) when they do something wrong.

Many parents often turn to negative punishment. It feels easy to take away screen time for a bad grade or send a child to bed without dinner for talking back. But are these methods truly effective at discouraging bad lessons and behavior?

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: Experts say that depriving a child of something they love is often not an effective form of punishment. When you constantly take things away, you might teach your child that:

• Power is everything: “Whoever has power can do whatever they want.”
• Rules are unclear: Punishments can seem unfair or depend on your mood, making kids feel confused and resentful.
• It’s cruel: Sending a child to bed without dinner, for example, can be harmful and teach them that their basic needs can be withheld as a weapon.

This approach can create a toxic environment where children feel fear instead of understanding. It’s one of the most damaging bad lessons about accountability.

What Should You Teach Instead? Learning and Growing from Mistakes

Instead of focusing on taking things away, focus on teaching your child that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth. Honest mistakes don’t need harsh punishment.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Offer support: If your child receives a poor grade, it’s possible they need help with a challenging subject. Offer to help with homework or consider a tutor. This teaches them that you’re a team, not an adversary.
• Focus on natural consequences: If a child breaks a toy because they were throwing it, the natural result is that the toy is broken. They learn the link between their action and their outcomes.
• Consider positive punishment (with care): If punishment is needed, consider something like extra chores. This can be framed as “making amends” or contributing to the household, rather than just suffering. The goal is for them to reflect on their actions.
• Be consistent and fair: Whatever method you choose, make sure it’s clear, consistent, and fair. This teaches children about justice and accountability, rather than just accepting “might makes right.”

“Mistakes are not failures; they are lessons. Our job as parents is to guide our children through these lessons, not punish them for taking them.”

Bad Lesson #2: Snitching Is Wrong

“Nobody likes a tattletale!” Sound familiar? Many parents encourage their kids not to “snitch” or “tattle” on others, believing it teaches them to solve their own problems. While it’s great for kids to learn independence, this can be one of the most harmful bad lessons when it comes to safety and trust.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: When children learn that telling on others is always bad, they might avoid talking about serious problems, such as:

• Bullying: A child being picked on might suffer in silence rather than tell an adult, fearing they’ll be called a “snitch.”
• Abuse: In extreme cases, a child might not report abuse from an adult because they’ve been taught to keep secrets.
• Serious rule-breaking: They might not report dangerous behaviors by peers, putting themselves or others at risk.

This bad lesson also teaches children to keep secrets from you, which can create a barrier in your relationship and make it harder for them to trust you with important issues later in life.

What Should You Teach Instead? Openness and Honesty

Parents should teach their children to discuss openly unfair, complex, or unsafe situations. This builds a foundation of trust and safety.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Distinguish between tattling and telling:
  • Tattling: Reporting minor annoyances (“He looked at me funny!”). You can teach kids to try to resolve these themselves or ignore them.
  • Telling: Reporting something that is dangerous, unfair, or makes someone feel unsafe (“He pushed me down the stairs!” or “Someone is taking money from the teacher’s desk!”). This is crucial.
• Be patient and listen: Sometimes, what seems like a minor issue to an adult is a huge deal to a child. Listen without judgment.
• Work together: Help your child determine when they can resolve a problem on their own versus when they need your assistance. You can ask, “Is anyone hurt or in danger?” or “Is this something you can fix by talking to them nicely?”
• Encourage honesty: Teach them that honesty is about safety and building trust. Learn more about how to encourage honesty in your child.

Bad Lesson #3: Children Shouldn’t Express Their Negative Emotions

It’s tough to see your child upset. When they’re crying, throwing a tantrum, or showing any sign of distress, it’s easy to say, “Stop crying!” or “Quit making a scene!” Unfortunately, these reactions can cause significant harm and teach some truly damaging lessons about emotions.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: When you shut down a child’s negative emotions, you’re not addressing the root cause of their upset. Instead, you’re just stopping a behavior that’s inconvenient for you. This teaches your child:

• “My feelings are bad”: They learn that negative emotions are shameful and should be hidden.
• “I am bad for feeling this way”: They might think they are the problem, not what hurt their feelings.
• “My feelings don’t matter”: They learn that your comfort is more important than their emotional well-being.

In the long run, this can lead to children bottling up their feelings. This often shows up later in life as uncontrolled anger, anxiety, depression, or difficulty forming healthy relationships. It’s one of the most critical bad lessons to avoid for emotional health.

What Should You Teach Instead? Healthy Emotional Expression

It’s perfectly fine to discourage destructive behaviors like breaking toys or screaming in public. But when your child is upset, you need to address the emotion itself in an open and honest way.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Validate their feelings: Say things like, “I see you’re feeling really angry right now,” or “It’s okay to be sad.” This doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior, but you acknowledge their emotion.
• Provide a safe outlet: Negative emotions need a way out. Help them find constructive ways to express these feelings. This could be:
  • Talking about it.
  • Drawing their feelings.
  • Using a “calm-down corner.”
  • Engaging in physical activity (like running or jumping).
• Guide them through it: A child’s brain is still developing its ability to process emotions. They need your help finding ways to express bad feelings constructively.
• Address public tantrums privately: If your child is having a meltdown in public, calmly escort them to a private space. Stay with them until they calm down, then discuss why they were upset and explore potential solutions. You can find more parenting tips to calm down any child in a minute.
• Model healthy emotional expression: Let your child see you express your own frustrations or sadness in healthy ways.

Bad Lesson #4: You Should Try to Make People Like You

Every parent wants their child to have a happy, peaceful life and get along well with others. So, it seems logical to encourage them to “be nice to everyone.” If you’re not hearing about arguments or fights from their teacher, that’s a good sign, right? Not always. This can be one of those subtle yet damaging lessons that can lead to bigger problems.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: If you teach your kids to try to please everyone constantly, they might start believing that:

• Others’ opinions are more critical: Their own needs, interests, and feelings take a backseat to pleasing peers.
• They need to “earn” friendship: They might confuse being nice with letting classmates copy their work, doing their homework for them, or giving away their belongings.
• Low self-esteem: Children who learn to please everyone often grow up with low self-esteem and struggle to make decisions for themselves, constantly seeking external validation.
• Vulnerability to exploitation: They become easy targets for manipulation or exploitation because they lack the knowledge to set boundaries.

This bad lesson can lead to a lifetime of people-pleasing, where individuals struggle to say “no” and prioritize their own well-being.

What Should You Teach Instead? Respectful Assertiveness

A child should not have to sacrifice their own interests or goals to please others. They shouldn’t let anyone force them to do something they don’t want to do.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Teach the difference between “nice” and “kind”:
  • Nice: Often about being pleasant and agreeable, sometimes at your own expense.
  • Kind: About genuine care, empathy, and respect for others, while still respecting yourself.
• Encourage polite but firm “no”: If other students ask them to copy their work and threaten to stop being their friend, encourage your child to say “no” politely but firmly. Remind them that true friends respect boundaries.
• Build self-worth: Children who learn not to let others take advantage of them understand their worth as human beings. They know that their value isn’t based on how much they can do for others.
• Model healthy boundaries: Show your child how to set boundaries with others in a respectful manner.
• Teach the value of respect: Help them understand that respect is a two-way street, and it includes respecting themselves as well. Learn more about how to teach your child the value of respect.

Bad Lesson #5: Get Good Grades, Or You’ll Never Get a Good Job

When a child struggles with a test or slacks off on homework, it’s easy to use the threat of a “sad adulthood” or “flipping burgers for the rest of your life.” While encouraging hard work in school is essential, turning your child into an overachiever obsessed with grades can teach some serious bad lessons.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: If a child only associates good grades with success, they’re in for a rude awakening when they face real-life setbacks. For example:

• Disappointment and self-blame: If they don’t get into their dream college or are turned down for a job, they might think it’s their own fault or that something is wrong with them, rather than understanding that life isn’t always fair or that there might have been a more qualified candidate.
• A narrow definition of success: This mindset can lead them to believe that only academic achievement matters, overlooking other forms of intelligence, talents, and skills.
• Stress and burnout: The constant pressure to achieve perfect scores can lead to anxiety, stress, and burnout.

This bad lesson can create a fear of failure that stifles creativity and risk-taking.

What Should You Teach Instead? Work Hard to Gain Knowledge and Skills

Education is undeniably important; it opens doors and provides invaluable life experience. However, the real value lies in the knowledge, skills, and values you gain, not just the marks on a report card.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Focus on effort and learning: Praise your child’s effort, curiosity, and persistence, not just the final grade. Ask them what they learned, what they found interesting, or what challenges they overcame.
• Emphasize growth mindset: Teach them that intelligence isn’t fixed, but can grow with hard work and dedication. Mistakes are opportunities to learn, not signs of failure.
• Highlight diverse intelligences: As Dr. Howard Gardner, a researcher at Harvard University, identified, there are multiple types of intelligence beyond just logical-mathematical. These include:
  • Visual-Spatial: Thinking in pictures and images (e.g., artists, architects).
  • Bodily-Kinesthetic: Using the body to solve problems or create (e.g., athletes, dancers).
  • Musical: Sensitivity to rhythm and sound (e.g., musicians).
  • Interpersonal: Understanding and interacting effectively with others (e.g., leaders, counselors).
  • Intrapersonal: Understanding oneself (e.g., writers, philosophers).
  • Naturalistic: Recognizing and classifying plants, animals, and other things in nature (e.g., biologists, environmentalists).
    Standardized tests often only measure logical intelligence. Help your child discover and nurture all their strengths and interests.
• Connect learning to real life: Show them how what they learn in school applies to the real world and future opportunities, rather than just focusing on the “score.”

Bad Lesson #6: Always the Best for My Baby

It’s so easy to spoil our children, wanting to buy them every toy and present. Seeing their faces light up when they get something new feels amazing, right? When they’re happy, you’re happy! But this desire to give them “the best” can lead to some significant bad lessons.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: While showering kids with love is essential, constantly giving them everything they want can lead to:

• Entitlement: Children can grow up believing they deserve more than others and that the world owes them something.
• Materialism: They might learn to value possessions over experiences, relationships, or effort.
• Lack of gratitude: They may not appreciate what they have if it’s always readily available.
• Poor financial habits: If kids see you spending lavishly, they’re likely to do the same, potentially leading to financial struggles as adults.
• Transactional relationships: As adults, they might see others as tools for their own use, leading to isolation and unhappiness.

Financial writer Ashley Eneriz suggests parents carefully consider if something they intend to buy is truly necessary or helpful. Are you trying to give them what you didn’t have? Are you trying to buy their affection? These are crucial questions to ask to avoid this bad lesson.

What Should You Teach Instead? Financial Responsibility and Value

Saving money doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, financially responsible parents are excellent role models for their children, who learn the actual value of money as a tool, not just for entertainment.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Model responsible spending: Let your children see you making thoughtful financial decisions, saving for goals, and distinguishing between needs and wants.
• Teach the value of earning: Assign age-appropriate chores with an allowance, or encourage them to save for something they genuinely want. This teaches them about the importance of effort and delayed gratification.
• Prioritize experiences over things: While occasional presents are acceptable and even necessary for morale, resist the urge to indulge your child at every turn. Focus on building a relationship based on quality time, shared experiences, and connection.
• Discuss money openly: Have age-appropriate conversations about budgeting, saving, and the cost of things.
• Emphasize gratitude: Encourage them to appreciate what they have and to be thankful for gifts, big or small.
• Build a non-transactional relationship: Your relationship with your child should be based on who you are and what you mean to them, not what you can buy for them. This fosters deeper, more meaningful bonds.

Bad Lesson #7: Children Should Never Be Idle

No parent wants their kids to be bored, mainly because boredom can sometimes lead to mischief! This often leads to signing them up for numerous extracurricular activities, sports teams, and lessons. While activities are great, constantly keeping kids busy and entertained around the clock can teach some surprising bad lessons.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: When children are constantly given your undivided attention or are always scheduled, they might grow up thinking:

• They need constant entertainment: They might struggle to entertain themselves or find internal motivation.
• They are the center of attention: They may act out or misbehave to get attention, and resent people who don’t give it to them.
• Lack of self-reliance: They might not learn to rely on themselves for creativity, problem-solving, or emotional regulation.
• Stifled creativity: Over-scheduling denies them the chance to spend time on their own, which is crucial for developing imagination, independent thought, and problem-solving skills.

Overexertion in extracurricular activities can also lead to stress and burnout in children, even if they don’t always express it. This bad lesson robs children of valuable unstructured time.

What Should You Teach Instead? It’s Okay to Entertain Yourself

Many psychologists agree that children won’t learn to rely on themselves if their parents don’t give them some alone time. Unstructured play and downtime are just as important as organized activities.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Provide resources, not entertainment: Offer toys, books, art supplies, or outdoor space, but let your child choose how to entertain themselves.
• Embrace boredom: Recognize that boredom is often the catalyst for creativity. When kids are bored, they’re forced to use their imagination and come up with their own games or activities.
• Schedule “free play” time: Intentionally set aside blocks of time in their schedule for unstructured play where they direct their own activities.
• Encourage independent activities, such as reading, building with blocks, drawing, or simply daydreaming.
• See it as a win-win: While your child is learning self-reliance and creativity, you, the busy parent, also get a little rest! It’s a chance for everyone to recharge.

Bad Lesson #8: Children Must Always Share Their Toys

“Sharing is caring!” We hear it all the time, and it’s a wonderful sentiment. However, forcing children to share something against their will, especially if they consider the request unfair, can actually instill some counterproductive and bad lessons about ownership and boundaries. This often happens when a younger child wants to borrow an older sibling’s toy, even if they have their own.

🚫 Why this is a bad lesson: Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Do you really like giving your personal belongings – your phone, your car, your favorite book – to other people for an indefinite amount of time? Do you feel anxious that your stuff might get broken or ruined? Most adults, including us, don’t always like sharing everything. So why force your kids to?

Children can be very possessive of their belongings. While their “silly little toys” might seem trivial compared to adult possessions, they hold a great deal of significance for them. They might attach special emotional importance to their favorite ball or doll. Asking them to hand it over to someone else is like asking them to part with their favorite thing in the whole wide world.

This bad lesson can lead to:

• Resentment: Children may resent the person they’re forced to share with or even resent you.
• Lack of boundaries: They don’t learn that it’s okay to have personal possessions and to protect them.
• People-pleasing: If they constantly have to give up their things, they might grow up to be people-pleasers who stretch themselves too thin, always doing favors for others, even when it’s at their own expense.

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What Should You Teach Instead? Sharing is Best When It’s Fair and Respectful

Encourage your children to share their toys, but instill in them a sense of fairness, consent, and respect for personal property.

💡 Healthy Alternatives:

• Teach “taking turns” or “co-playing”: If another child wants to play with the ball they’re using, it’s reasonable for the kids to play with that ball together or agree on a specific time limit for each turn.
• Encourage trading: If another kid likes your child’s toy better than their own, consider letting them trade for a bit. This teaches negotiation and mutual benefit.
• Respect personal possessions: It’s okay for your child to have their own special possessions that they don’t have to share with everyone. Teach them to ask permission before touching someone else’s belongings.
• Model good boundaries: Show your child that you respect their belongings, and teach them to respect others’ belongings as well. This also includes teaching them that it’s okay to say “no” when something is important to them.
• Focus on generosity and empathy: Frame sharing as an act of kindness and generosity that comes from within, rather than a forced obligation. “How would you feel if someone shared their favorite toy with you?”
• Teach the value of respect for property: This applies to their own belongings and others’. This ties into how to teach your child the value of respect.

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Parenting is a continuous learning process. By being aware of these common bad lessons and actively choosing to teach healthier alternatives, you can help your children develop into confident, resilient, and well-adjusted individuals. It’s about building a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional intelligence that will serve them well throughout their lives.

Did any of these bad lessons surprise you? Do you agree or disagree with any of them? Share your thoughts!