Calling parenting an uneasy task would be the understatement of the century, it’s complicated it’s constant, and the stakes are sky-high, some parents can’t stop worrying that they’re going to mess it up or that their kids going to have it tough, according to some statistics though most parents are confident in their skills.
They’re sure they’ve taught important lessons and instilled good values in their children, well that could be the case, but it also might not be we’ve checked with the best psychologists to come up with a list of 8 wrong lessons a lot of parents unknowingly teach their kids.
But don’t worry, we’ve also provided some healthy alternatives that’ll help you raise your kids to become strong, confident, and self-sufficient adults.
Bad Lesson Number 8 Making A Mistake Means Losing Something.
For a parent there are two fundamental responses to a child’s behavior, reinforcement will make it more likely that kid does it again, while punishment discourages the behavior, they can be broken down into four subcategories.
- Positive reinforcement means giving the child something they want like ice cream
- Negative reinforcement involves taking away something the child doesn’t like, as an early bedtime
- Positive punishment means adding something the child isn’t a fan of such as extra chores
- Negative punishment is removing something the child loves like TV or video games.
It’s typically the last one that parents turn to most often when their kid does something that displeases them, it’s easy to take away their TV privileges video games or time spent with friends in response to a bad grade, and there’s always the classic sending them to bed without dinner when they’ve mouthed off, but our punishments like these an effective method for discouraging bad behavior?
Hmm not really, at least according to the experts, psychologists have been saying it for decades depriving a child of something is not an effective form of punishment, this is one of the most dangerous features of a toxic parent who gets to play judge jury and executioner for their kids, and the rules of the game aren’t always clear since the severity of the punishment often depends on the parent’s mood.
Confiscating something your child loves teaches them that whoever has power can do whatever they want, plus going to bed without dinner that’s just outright cruel.
What should you teach instead?
Honest mistakes don’t need to be punished, if your child gets a bad grade or flunks a test that might mean they just need help with a tough subject, give them a hand with their homework or hire a tutor pay attention to the child’s behavior and see if it’s really a cry for help, if your child does need to be punished, consider a more positive punishment, like giving them extra chores to do.
Hopefully the whole time they’re doing these chores they’ll be thinking about how silly it was to do what they did and decide never to do it again, the key is to be consistent and fair don’t teach your kid that might make right.
Bad Lesson Number 7 Snitching Is Wrong.
When children complain to their parents about something another kid did parents all too often respond with something like nobody likes a tattletale, the lesson is don’t be a snitch, and many parents think that it’s a good rule to follow, and yeah it seems admirable to encourage kids to solve their own problems.
But that’s not what ends up happening in this case, unfortunately, when it comes to children thought that telling on others is bad, psychologists have noticed a tendency to avoid talking about real problems at school, if a kid is being bullied or, even worse, abused by an adult, that child may not talk about it for fear of being labeled a snitch.
Plus if a child gets used to keeping secrets from you, it makes it more likely they’ll do the same thing in the future.
What should you teach instead?
Be open and honest, and parents should teach their kids to talk openly about unfair or difficult situations and be patient if some of the stories they tell don’t really seem like a big deal through the eyes of an adult.
A child can’t always tell when they need help with something; that’s why you should work together to figure out when your kid can resolve a problem themselves versus when they need your help.
Bad Lesson Number 6 Children Shouldn’t Express Their Negative Emotions.
It’s tough to see a child suffer whether they’re crying throwing a tantrum were expressing any sort of emotional distress, and it’s just too easy to shout stop crying or quit making a scene. Unfortunately, these types of reactions on the part of parents cause a great deal of harm to a child.
Instead of addressing what’s making the child upset, all you’re doing is addressing the behavior that’s inconveniencing you or making you uncomfortable, yelling at them like this tells your child three things.
#1 They are the ones being bad, not whatever hurt their feelings.
#2 Negative emotions are something shameful to be hidden.
#3 Their feelings aren’t as important as yours, in the long run, it only teaches young ones to distrust their parents and, by extension, all adults.
Kids learn to bottle up their feelings and never express themselves; this, in turn, often manifest later in life as uncontrolled anger issues, a sense of unfulfilled entitlement and even personality disorders.
What should you teach instead?
Encourage your child to express their feelings in a safe way, it’s fine and reasonable to discourage your child from breaking toys or screaming in public, but if they’re upset, you need to address it in an open and honest way.
Negative emotions need to find a way out, or else they overcrowd the nervous system, a child’s brain is only so capable of processing emotion, so they need your guidance they need help finding ways to express bad feelings in a constructive, rather than destructive, way.
Convey to them that their feelings are valid and try to talk them through the issue if they’re making a fuss or throwing a tantrum in public take them to a private, isolated place away from others, spend time with them until their feelings subside talk about why they’re upset and try to find a solution.
Bad Lesson Number 5 You Should Try To Make People Like You.
Who doesn’t want their children to have a peaceful, happy life, and all too often that means getting along with everyone at school, why not encourage your child to be nice to everyone, if you’re not getting any reports from their teacher about arguments or fights with the other kids that must be a good sign right.
Eh not exactly, if you teach your kids to be nice to absolutely everyone at school then they’ll start thinking that their peers are more important than they are, and then they need to please their fellow classmates, this, in turn, opens your kids up to exploitation it’s easy to confuse being nice with letting classmates copy their work or even doing their homework for them.
Children who learn at an early age to please everyone often grow up to have low self-esteem and difficulty making decisions on their own.
What should you teach instead?
Be respectful but assertive, a child should not have to sacrifice their own interests and goals to please others, and they shouldn’t let anyone force them to do something they don’t want to do if other students ask them to copy their work and threaten to stop being their friend.
If they say no encourage your child to say no politely but firmly, those other kids were never interested in being their friend anyway, children who learn not to let others take advantage of them know their worth as human beings and are much more able to achieve their goals as adults.
Bad Lesson Number 4 Get Good Grades, Or You’ll Never Get A Good Job.
If a child messes up a test or slacks off with their homework the prospect of a sad adulthood or flipping burgers for the rest of your life is an easy treat to make, but be careful of turning your child into an overachiever, of course, good grades are great and children should be encouraged to work hard in school.
But if a kid associates good grades with success, they’re in for a rude awakening when they meet an actual road
in lifelike, if they don’t get into the college they wanted, or they’re turned down for their dream job, for instance, life’s not always fair especially when you’ve worked so hard for your perfect grades only to be slapped in the face by reality.
It’s easy for an overachiever to think it’s their own fault they didn’t get the job they wanted that it’s something wrong with them and not that there was simply another more qualified candidate.
What should you teach instead?
Work hard to gain knowledge, but don’t wrap yourself up in good grades, education is important there’s no arguing that, it can open a lot of doors for you in life and give you invaluable life experience, but values and knowledge and skills you gain more than the marks on your report cards, Plus even if your child doesn’t get good grades that don’t mean they’re not intelligent.
Dr.Howard Gardner, a researcher at Harvard University, has identified seven distinct types of intelligence including visual-spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, and musical intelligence, standardized tests measure only one kind of logical intelligence leaving out other forms in which your child might excel.
Bad Lesson Number 3 Always The Best For My Baby.
As parents, it’s easy to dote on your children and want to buy them all sorts of toys and presents, I mean what’s better than seeing their face light up when they get something new and cool, after all, when they’re happy, you’re happy, right?
According to sociologists parents in the US are spending more and more on their children every year, but Ashleyener is a mother, and the financial writer thinks that parents these days have gone overboard she recommends you carefully consider whether something you intend to buy for your children is really necessary or even helpful.
Are you trying to give them something you didn’t have in your childhood? are you just trying to buy their affection? Children who get everything they want can grow up spoiled and convinced that they deserve more than others Plus, kids emulate their parents in most ways, and if see you spending lavishly, odds are they’ll do the same.
What lesson should you teach?
Be responsible with money, saving money doesn’t make you a bad parent
in fact, financially responsible parents make great role models for the children, who learn the value of money and use it as a tool, not as entertainment, the occasional present or treat is fine and even necessary to maintaining healthy morale, but resist the urge to indulge your child at every turn.
You want to build a relationship with them based on the little but also important things in life, like spending quality time together, your relationship should not be strictly transactional, buy things for your kid is not an effective path to winning their long-term affection, sure they’ll like you but it’ll be for what you can get for them not for who you are or what you mean to them.
As adults, they’ll see others the same way as tools for their use and benefit, they might grow up as narcissists or, exploiters which will probably only make them end up alone, and miserable yikes definitely not a pleasant way to live don’t you think.
Bad Lesson Number 2 Children Should Never Be Idle
No one wants their kids to be bored because that’s when they usually get into trouble but be wary of signing them up for all sorts of extracurriculars or forcing them to join a sports team when they have no interest whatsoever, you really don’t need to keep kids busy and entertained around the clock and if you try you may end up doing more harm than good.
Children who are constantly getting your undivided attention can grow up thinking that they should always get it from others, they may act out or misbehave in order to get attention and resent people who don’t give it to them.
Plus if you’re sending your kids off to after-school classes, dance lessons, sports practice, youth groups, and so on, you may be denying them a chance to spend some time on their own, which is just as important believe it or not, extracurriculars are great and all, but don’t overdo it.
What should you teach instead?
It’s okay to entertain yourself many psychologists claim that children won’t learn to rely on themselves if their parents don’t give them some alone time provide them with toys books and other activities but let your child choose how to entertain themselves a lot some free me time in their schedule and think of it as a little rest for yourself the busy parent you are.
Bad Lesson Number 1 Children Must Always Share Their Toys.
Sharing is caring right well it is but to an extent children who are forced to share something against their will often develop negative associations with sharing especially if the child considers a request unfair, this is often the case when a younger child wants to borrow their elder siblings toy even if they already have their own.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes do you really like giving your personal belongings to other people for however long a time, are you sure you don’t feel anxious that your stuff will get broken or ruined, it’s okay you can be honest most people “adults included“ don’t like sharing, so why to force your kids to? Children can be very possessive of their belongings even if their silly little toys seem trivial in comparison to stuff adults have like houses, cars, and power tools.
But look at it from their point of view their silly little things mean a lot to them, they may attach some special emotional importance to their favorite ball, and asking them to hand it over to someone else is like asking them to part with their favorite thing in the whole wide world, plus adults attach sentimental feelings to objects to remind you.
What should you teach instead?
Sharing is best when it’s fair, encourage your children to share their toys while instilling in them a sense of fairness, if another child wants to borrow the ball they’re playing with it’s reasonable for the kids to play with that ball together if another kid likes your child’s toy better than their own maybe they can trade, it’s also ok for your child to have their own possessions and want to keep them if your kid doesn’t learn to say no when something’s important to them.
Also Read: 11 Parenting Mistakes That Ruin a Child’s Growth
You risk them growing up into people-pleasers that stretch themselves out too thin constantly doing favors for others, did any of these bad parenting lessons surprise you? Do you agree or disagree with any of them?
