Don’t Screw it Up!
We get home from the hospital with our new bundle feeling elated, sore, determined, and scared out of our wits all at the same time. We’re still riding the new baby high and are confident we will surely be able to care for something we instantly love so much. But at the same time, how the heck do we do that? There are no guide articles that cover it all and no way to encompass the emotions. We are given no adequate course or training, and we aren’t required to have a license. Any dumb dumb can become a parent, and that’s a scary thought. We are not dumb-dumbs, of course, but after a few months, you start thinking how easy it is to screw it all up.
So my first piece of advice to you sweet young parents is very basic: don’t screw it up. By reading these articles, I assume you’re on board and we can safely have these conversations without fear of you chucking something sharp at me, yes? I may use very straightforward language, but I do not judge you or your parenting. I’m only trying to have fun here and hopefully keep you from tripping into the pit of suckiness that we parents find ourselves in a little more often than we’d like. You may feel guilty now, telling the little critters “no,” but just wait.
Eventually, you’re usually thinking will be something along the lines of, “Hmmm . . . I suppose I should feed them something green once a week and not holler, ‘crap!’ in front of them.” (They will repeat it, I
swear.) You’d never dream it, but you will indeed relax in your parenting intensity and succumb to “that’s good enough.”
For toddler moms, this article is a mental leap in time. You’ll have to stretch your mind to the long term because if we don’t want to screw up the poor darlings by school age, we have to start as a toddler. No joke. It seems crazy, but the parenting habits we form
early are the ones that can kick us in the bootie later.
Getting Over Our Defenses
An important note: This article isn’t about what to do; it’s about what to avoid. I’ve written plenty on how to address behavior at different ages, so don’t expect this to be chocked full of step-by-step instructions. Those are in my articles Life with Toddler, Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline, and Tiger Tamer. This particular article hops onto a soapbox that I normally try to avoid (success is relative to that score). However, one can only dance around the elephant in the room for so long before our feet must stop tip-toeing. So let’s adventure into what not to do!
There are always those of us who feel demeaned or condescended when blunt opinions are given on our parenting. Family members, in particular, feel at liberty to indulge for some reason. When told to stop what we are doing if we want to see changes in our child’s behavior, well, it gets the dander up. First off, who says we want to see changes? Did we ask for advice? No! So don’t attempt to tell me what I’m doing wrong, because I’m the first in line to defensively yell, “No, I am NOT doing that!” To admit fault is on par with running down the street naked. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, ridicule. Ugh. Forget that!
I’m wholeheartedly on your side. I do not, however, have time to sugarcoat everything for delicate sensibilities. In these articles, we will delve into what we are doing wrong and why that’s important. While we might get rather depressed or feel beat over the head with guilt, let’s ease up on ourselves, shall we? The point of these articles is to poke fun at our inadequacies and laugh while doing so. The never-ending guilt we feel as parents is a good thing. It keeps us in check. But we should keep our sense of humor. We need to reflect on those guilt producers only so we can figure out what we’re doing wrong and possibly consider a better approach to parenting.
Once we name that less-than-ideal approach, we can figure out how to take positive action. But we have to put the beast on the table first. Stare at it. Look objectively. What are we doing wrong? Hopefully, since I am of no relation to you and bear you no ill will (as long as your kid doesn’t come up and bite me on the arm), we can strip down the defenses and have a good time tackling the beast.
Idealistic Views: What Happened?
When our kids first pop out, we have very idealistic views on how our lives will go. A baby doesn’t do anything but cry for his or her needs. This can get exasperating and tiresome, and we’re not perfect at it (i.e., stick them in a bouncy seat and ignore the
crap out of them), but we haven’t ruined them yet. So we feed and diaper, keep them from leaping off the balcony or falling into a pool . . . these kinds of things. We work our life around keeping them safe and healthy.
Then they grow up. There is certainly a percentage of young adults who blow us out of the water with their creativity, talent, intellect, drive, and motivation. But the interesting part is the gap between those kids and the kids on the opposite end of the spectrum. Where is the middle ground? Looking around, I see a much higher percentage of kids who are as sweet as granny’s lemon pie, but my gosh, they resist getting off the couch, pursuing an education, and moving out. So what happened?! Many parents even went overboard with their involvement while their kids were young, trying to avoid this very thing. Hello, confusion!
From the outside looking in, I can see a few things. People come to me in a frenzy of oh-my-gosh-what-went-wrong-and-help! But after getting a little history, the answer is quite easy to see. We often enable our children and handicap their growth. I see it in schools all the time. As a speech therapist, I consistently go to meetings where parents insist on coddling the kids, the school caves to demands, and nobody learns a darn thing.
It’s so crazy right now that if a middle or high school student flunks a test, he’s got umpteen chances to make up that grade. Does the real world allow us that many chances to be accepted to our college of choice, re-do a presentation at work, or eight chances to raise our kids right? I think not.
When I was in high school a hundred years ago, if we flunked a test, we were lucky dogs if our teacher let us come in after school for extra work or allowed us to write a paper to help boost our grades. Now it’s the norm. Our society gives kids so many chances to make up for any mistakes that we are training them so that it’s okay to fail.
Training Kids to Fail
You heard me right. We are training them to fail. By not allowing them to experience the consequences of failure, we rob them of learning from the experience! Kids are not taught how failure feels or the value of motivation. Worse yet, by giving so many
rewards for so little effort on their part, we are telling them to expect the big, bad world to roll over and scratch their belly for the slightest accomplishment.
Giving chance after chance does not teach our kids that sometimes, you don’t get a second chance. What happens then? Since they know no different, they move on to the next thing. Pretty soon they’re job-hopping (if they even get a job in the first place) and constantly asking for money. No one has a clue that it can be traced back to preschool and grade school when we did everything but dance a jig to get our kids to succeed and then drowned them with accolades.
Trophies for everyone! Kindergarten graduations are complete with gowns, caps, and diplomas. Fifth-grade graduation parties with no less than melted chocolate fountains with heaps of fruit to dunk. Awards, awards, awards! And if your kid is a flat-out pain in the toot, they’ll still think of something to reward him with.
Not only are the excessive rewards training our kids that you don’t have to lift more than a pinky to get them, but the punishments are also pathetic, driving home the reverse idea that you can get away with anything short of smoking crack in front of the principal. Start back with tantrums, my friends! When you let them get away with acting out, you teach them that it’s okay and there are no consequences—at least, none that matter. Tap on the finger or “please don’t do that” doesn’t always work! Consequences need to suck.
They need to be thoughtfully painful enough that the kid has a mental “ouch” and thinks twice before kicking a sibling, yelling at you in a tantrum, or blowing off their homework. Otherwise, all they’re learning is that it’s super cool when the world revolves around them.
Over-indulgent Parenting? Us? Nooooo!
I know we love the little doodlebugs and can’t stand to refuse that eighth popsicle, but indulging our toddler’s every whim is detrimental and starts a pattern of unhealthy behavior. I nearly fell over dead when I heard some news show talk about kids who have been so hand-held through life that Mom updates the resume and picks out their clothes. She even calls the manager when her baby gets a poor performance review.
Yes, I know our kids are fabulous, sweet, and talented. But when we encourage and congratulate too much, we mold a kid who thinks they do no wrong. Our poor child will one day get into the workforce, and when told they did something incorrectly, they
burst into tears.
One manager told me that these kids will flat-out say “What’s in it for me?” when it comes to crunch time during a project. Extra work hours? Are you kidding? No way are they doing that. So they think nothing of giving their superior grief over putting in the slightest bit of extra effort. A superior who, by the way, knows what it takes to support a family. So when these young adults say, “What’s in it for me?” he replies, “How about a paycheck?”
As thoughtful caregivers, let’s stop this right now. Let’s identify how we are failing our kids and avoid causing them future struggles and suffering. If you happen to be a person who has been raised by an over-indulgent parent, are you ready to step into the role of raising your own kids? Coddling our children may seem so right and effective at the moment, but it turns ugly if we don’t set limits and let some failure occur.
Now, wait! We aren’t talking about horrible failure—don’t panic at the thought —just some basic life lessons to promote independence. It is very possible to be loving, stable, and effective teachers. Just remember that we do our little ducklings no favors by instructing them that the world will roll over for their happiness.
For Toddler Parents and Beyond
This article is written for toddler parents since that is the time to get the boat steered in the right direction. However, if you have any school-aged kids, you could benefit from a peek through the pages. If you are a parent and have the slightest bit of influence left, go for it. I know that as kids age, we get set in our parenting ways. It takes a mighty dire situation for us to sit down and try to change, but it’s never too late to stop the pattern of teaching our kids how to be immature and helpless.
Now, don’t get me wrong—these are great kids we’re talking about. Kids are sweet and engaging people, but they somehow get the idea that they don’t have to do anything for themselves. We try so hard to protect our kids from harm, ease their way in this world, and make their lives cushion, that we miss the boat and accidentally ram our children straight into being irresponsible, lazy, self-indulgent, entitlement-oriented people.
“But they’re just so sweet!” you say. Let me tell you, “sweet” won’t go far with
people who don’t already adore them. It won’t get us anywhere either, except supporting our thirty-year-old children who can’t seem to make their way in this world. And that stinks.
FAQs
1. How can harsh discipline affect toddlers?
Harsh discipline can have detrimental effects on toddlers’ emotional and behavioral development. It may lead to increased aggression, defiance, and anxiety in children. Moreover, it can damage the parent-child relationship, hindering trust and communication.
2. What are the consequences of inconsistent parenting for toddlers?
Inconsistent parenting can confuse toddlers and undermine their sense of security. When rules and boundaries are constantly changing, children may struggle to understand expectations, leading to frustration and defiance. This inconsistency can also impact their ability to develop self-regulation skills.
3. How does overindulgence harm toddlers?
Overindulgence can spoil toddlers and inhibit their development of responsibility and self-control. When children are constantly given whatever they want without limits, they may struggle to understand the value of patience and delayed gratification. Additionally, overindulgence can lead to entitlement and difficulties in coping with disappointment.
