One of the most important values that you can teach your child is respect. If you want a child to be proud of and who is going to be successful in life, then this is the first and foremost skill they need to learn. You, as a parent, have the most influence on your child’s behavior and level of respect. If your child can’t show respect at home, then they’re unlikely to show it elsewhere.
Be a Good Role Model
Once again, the most effective method to teach respect is to demonstrate it yourself. Children always copy what they see and if they consistently witness you showing respect to them and other people as well, then they’re more likely to mimic this behavior. If a parent constantly yells, scream, shout, or swear at their kids or tend to use put-downs and belittle or humiliate their child, then they’re modeling absolute disrespect and there is no way they can expect to have respect given back to them.
While it’s easy to lose control at times and let’s face it, we’re all guilty of this, by reacting to their behavior by even worse behavior of our own, we’re not going to solve the problem or encourage respect from our kids.
We must consider their feelings. We certainly wouldn’t like to be embarrassed, humiliated or constantly yelled at and our children don’t appreciate this either. So be aware of how you speak and act, as the very best way to teach respect is to show it.
Begin Early
Start teaching your child how to be respectful from as early an age as possible. From the time they begin to understand what you’re saying, they should be taught respect. One of the first words they can be taught, after mum/mom and dad, of course, is pleased and thank you (or a shortened version of these words). But respect involves much more than just good manners. Although good
manners are essential and should always be used, many forms of behavior show respect. Teaching respectful behavior from a young age is much easier than trying to teach a teenager, who has had few boundaries and has not previously been held accountable.
Have High Expectations
If you expect your child to show respect and are consistent with your expectations, then this is the type of behavior that they’ll demonstrate. As my children were growing up, I was constantly reminding them of manners and respectful behavior. If I noticed that they weren’t behaving or speaking respectfully, then I’d quietly remind them of what I did expect. Certainly, if they’d forgotten their manners,
I would point this out immediately and not allow them to have what they wanted until they spoke accordingly. I’d do this in the privacy of our home as well as in public. It’s important to be strong, firm, and consistent but also respectful yourself when correcting your children’s behavior.
Discuss Respect
If you see other children displaying respectful behavior, then point this out to your kids and tell them how impressed you are and how happy it makes you feel. There were many times when I witnessed my children’s friends being very polite, courteous, or helpful or simply going out of their way to say hello to me when out in public and I’d always comment on this. It was a great opportunity to let my children know what great friends they had and how impressed I was with their manners and behavior.
This was very effective as my kids then strived to do the same. My 16-year-old daughter still takes delight in coming home to tell me that she’s gone out of her way to say hello and take time to talk to a friend’s parent or a familiar adult who she has seen while out and about.
I know how much this impresses me when I see teenagers and kids modeling this type of behavior and it certainly makes me feel proud to receive comments from teachers and other parents about how well-mannered and courteous my children are. It’s something my husband and I have always worked on and it’s certainly paid off as our kids have really become young people who we can be proud of.
On the other hand of course, if your child or other kids are being disrespectful, be certain to discuss how upsetting and disappointing this is. Children don’t want to upset their parents and would much prefer to make them proud rather than disappointed. By discussing the behavior with them, they can learn from the experience and brainstorm more appropriate ways to behave. Be sure though, that you’re firm and consistent if your child is disrespectful and let them know that it simply will not be tolerated.
Use Lots of Praise
Always be sure to acknowledge and praise your child when you see or hear them displaying respectful behavior, using respectful language, and making respectful choices and decisions. A positive comment from you can be all that’s needed to encourage them to continue being respectful. This tactic works wonders as children respond so well to praise. Whenever I witnessed my own kids displaying respectful behaviors such as using good manners, looking at others when speaking or being spoken to, offering to help in any way or taking the time to show interest in an adult conversation (when I knew all they really wanted to do was go and play), I’d always comment on this afterward and praise them highly telling them how proud I felt. And guess what? Their respectful behavior is now ingrained and automatic.
Be Consistent
You certainly shouldn’t tolerate disrespect and if your kids are being rude or breaking rules, there must be consequences. Constantly arguing or continually reminding them to behave appropriately is ineffective and the behavior will simply continue. Offer a warning first and if the behavior persists then a consequence should be put in place.
Just recently, I witnessed a parent whose child was yelling abuse at her, respond with the following…“I told you not to be rude! That’s not nice, please stop that! If you say that again, look out! I told you to stop!” And the behavior continued until the parent was forced to leave the store. Embarrassing altercations such as this should never occur but without consequences and consistency, kids simply don’t know where the boundaries are and will regularly misbehave.
Disrespectful behavior must be dealt with calmly and by explaining that it’s rude and inappropriate. Take your child aside and tell them how upsetting their behavior is and how it makes you feel when they act in this way. Explain that your family doesn’t behave like that and ask them how they would feel to be treated in that manner.
Then brainstorm a suitable consequence and follow through. If you’re consistent with this, your child will learn the rules and only one warning should be sufficient in the future to remind them that you mean what you say.
If you want more information on how to modify your child’s behavior, we have another book called ‘How To Improve Your Child’s Behavior Today’. You can find it by typing in the title or Karen Campbell and Katrina Kahler. It is a must-read for parents who want well-behaved children.
Show Understanding
We all have the tendency to overreact at times and this may simply be the result of irregular moods, feeling tired or stressed, or just simply having had a bad day. All of these feelings are unavoidable at times and kids are no exception. They too suffer stress from external events and can be very prone to mood swings and frustration, especially as they’re growing up, with the teenage years and hormonal changes contributing drastically.
These feelings can often cause outbursts from our kids, which can be seen as rude and disrespectful. While this should by no means be condoned as acceptable behavior, you must be an understanding parent who realizes that there’s probably a cause for the outbursts of disrespect. Being an active listener in these situations can help.
By responding with comments such as, “You’re upset about that!” or “I can see how frustrated you’re feeling!” can really help. Responses such as these will allow your child to see that you’re actually listening to them rather than simply judging or reacting to their behavior.
This is almost guaranteed to encourage them to open up and tell you what’s troubling them. Often they just need someone to talk to or to take their feelings of stress or frustration out on. And usually, it’s the people with whom they have the most secure relationship who bear the brunt of their anger and aggression. Being an active listener and observant of the true feelings hidden behind their outbursts will show that you understand and assist in avoiding arguments and further disrespect.
This is something that we deal with regularly in our teenage daughter at the moment. There are many outbursts that we could handle by yelling back, sending her to her room, or depriving her of privileges, but by diffusing the situation with active listening techniques and letting her know that her opinions and what she has to say are important to us, we’re able to earn her respect which in turn she gives back to us tenfold.
Both our teenage kids have time for us, are helpful, caring, and considerate, and are very keen for us to be a part of their busy lives and we believe that we’ve earned their love and respect by being parents who respect them.
Teaching the value of respect doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and effort along with the ability to be a good role model. Are you willing to do as you preach? If the result is a respectful child who everyone admires and someone you can be proud of, then it’s worth the effort, don’t you think?
