As parents and caregivers, the words we choose are like powerful tools. They can build up our children, helping them grow into confident, kind, and resilient individuals. Or, without us even realizing it, specific phrases can accidentally make them feel less capable, misunderstood, or even unsafe. Understanding the impact of our language is one of the most important things we can do for our children’s mental and emotional health.
This article delves into common phrases we often use without thinking and explains why they may not be the best choice. More importantly, we’ll give you better ways to communicate, helping you foster a stronger bond and a more positive environment for your child’s growth. Let’s explore the words you should never say to children and discover how to speak in ways that truly empower them.
Key Takeaways
- Words Matter: The phrases you use profoundly shape a child’s self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and view of the world.
- Encourage Emotion: Instead of dismissing feelings like sadness or anger, help children understand and express them in healthy ways.
- Foster Independence & Trust: Give children opportunities to make choices and understand reasons, rather than demanding blind obedience.
- Focus on Effort, Not Just Outcome: Praise hard work and growth, not just “being smart” or perfect, to build a resilient mindset.
- Keep Communication Open: Be honest and age-appropriately responsive to their questions, building a safe space for dialogue.
Why Our Words Matter When We Talk to Children
Think about the last time someone said something that really stuck with you, either good or bad. For children, every word from a parent or trusted adult holds immense weight. Their brains are like sponges, soaking up everything they hear and using it to build their understanding of themselves and the world around them.
When we use empowering language, we teach them:
- “My feelings are valid.”
- “I can solve problems.”
- “It’s okay to make mistakes.”
- “I am loved for who I am.”
On the other hand, specific phrases, even if said with good intentions, can accidentally send messages that:
- “My feelings are wrong.”
- “I shouldn’t ask questions.”
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I can’t trust my own judgment.”
Our goal isn’t to be perfect, but to be mindful. By understanding the hidden meanings in our words, we can choose to speak in ways that truly nurture our children’s growth and help them thrive. This is crucial for creating a positive home environment and fostering strong family connections, as highlighted by general parenting tips for a healthy home.
7 Things You Should Never Say to Children (And What to Say Instead!)
Let’s dive into specific phrases that parents often use and explore why they might not be the best choice, along with powerful alternatives that can make a huge difference. These are phrases you should never say to children.
7. “Adults always know best.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: When a child hears this, they might think, “All grown-ups are super smart and always right. I have to do whatever they say.” This can be risky because it teaches blind obedience, which might lead them to trust any adult, even strangers, without questioning. It doesn’t teach them to think critically or to recognize potentially unsafe situations. It also discourages them from asking or expressing their own ideas, stifling their natural curiosity and problem-solving skills.
✅ What to say instead: “Listen to your parents and trusted adults because they help keep you safe and make good choices,” or “Parents often have more experience, so they can help you understand things better.”
Better Approach:
- Explain the “Why”: Instead of just saying “because I said so,” explain why you’re asking them to do something. “Please hold my hand when we cross the street because cars are fast and we need to be safe.”
- Teach Discernment: Explain that while most adults are kind, some are not. Teach them about “safe adults” (parents, teachers, police in uniform) and the importance of telling a trusted grown-up if someone makes them feel uncomfortable. This helps them understand how to teach your child the value of respect for authority while also staying safe.
- Value Their Input: Ask for their opinions on age-appropriate matters. “What do you think we should have for dinner tonight?” This shows you value their thoughts, even if you make the final decision.
“Our words are the building blocks of our children’s self-worth and understanding of the world. Choose them wisely.”
6. “Don’t cry.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: Hearing “Don’t cry” can make a child feel like showing emotions is wrong or that they’ll get in trouble for being sad or hurt. This teaches them to bottle up their feelings, which can lead to bigger emotional outbursts later, difficulty managing stress, or even physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches. It also tells them their feelings aren’t necessary or valid.
✅ What to say instead: “It looks like you’re feeling sad/frustrated/hurt. What’s bothering you?” or “Are you crying because it hurts, or because you’re scared?”
Better Approach:
- Validate Feelings: Acknowledge what they’re feeling. “I see you’re really upset right now.” “It’s okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated.”
- Offer Comfort & Solutions: Give a hug, offer a tissue, or sit with them. Once they’re a bit calmer, help them identify the emotion and talk about it. “Sometimes when we’re hurt, it makes us cry. Let’s put a bandage on it.” Or, “It’s frustrating when your tower falls down. What can we do to make it stronger next time?”
- Teach Emotional Vocabulary: Help them learn words for various emotions (happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared, and frustrated). This builds their emotional intelligence. For more tips on managing strong feelings, consider these parenting tips to calm down any child in a minute.
5. “Sharing is caring.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: When a child always hears “Sharing is caring,” they might feel like they have to share everything, even if they’re not ready or don’t want to. This can make them feel like nothing is truly “theirs,” undermine their sense of ownership, and even lead to resentment. It can also teach them that their personal boundaries don’t matter as much as someone else’s desire for their toy.
✅ What to say instead: “Would you like to let your friend play with your toy for a bit?” or “When you’re done with your toy, would you be willing to let your friend have a turn?” or “Do you want to trade toys?”
Better Approach:
- Teach Turn-Taking: Focus on taking turns rather than immediate sharing. “You can play with it for five more minutes, then it’s [friend’s name]’s turn.” Use a timer! ⏱️
- Respect Ownership: Teach children that while it’s kind to share, they also have a right to their own belongings. Some toys can be “special” and not for sharing, especially for younger children.
- Model and Explain: Show them how to share and the positive feelings that come from it, but don’t force it. “It makes our friends happy when we share.” This also ties into teaching how to teach your child the value of respect for others’ belongings and boundaries.
| Instead of… | Try saying… | Why it’s better |
|---|---|---|
| “Sharing is caring!” | “Would you like to give [name] a turn with that toy?” | Teaches consent and turn-taking, respects ownership. |
| “You need to share!” | “When you’re finished, please let [name] know so they can have a turn.” | Sets clear expectations without forcing immediate compliance. |
| “Why don’t you share?” | “It’s kind to let others enjoy things too. How about you show them how it works?” | Focuses on positive behavior and engagement, rather than shaming. |
4. “Who told you to do that?”
❌ Why it’s problematic: When asked this after doing something wrong, a child might immediately think, “My parents don’t know I came up with this idea myself.” This question often puts the child on the defensive and encourages them to blame someone else to avoid punishment. It can lead to lying or shifting responsibility, preventing them from learning accountability for their own actions.
✅ What to say instead: “What happened?” or “Why did you choose to do that?” or “Tell me about what happened.”
Better Approach:
- Focus on the Action: Start by asking about the event itself, not who was involved. “I see a mess here. What happened?”
- Encourage Accountability: Once they explain, guide them to understand their role and responsibilities. “So, you decided to draw on the wall. What do you think should happen now?” This helps encourage honesty in your child by creating a safe space for them to confess.
- Problem-Solve Together: Shift from blame to solutions. “How can we fix this?” “What can you do differently next time?”
- Distinguish Between Accidents and Intentional Acts: If another child was involved, help them understand the situation without encouraging tattling or blame. “It sounds like you were playing together, and then [friend’s name] pushed you. Pushing isn’t safe. What could you have done instead?”
3. “Look at that smart kid.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: When a child constantly hears comparisons like this, especially if they’re the one being compared, they might feel like they’re not as good as others. It can lead to self-doubt, a feeling of not being enough, or even a “fixed mindset” where they believe their intelligence is set and can’t change. This can make them give up easily, thinking there’s no point in trying if they’re not “naturally smart.”
✅ What to say instead: “I believe in you. You can do it too if you keep practicing!” or “I’m so proud of how hard you’re working!” or “Everyone learns in their own way and at their own pace.”
Better Approach:
- Praise Effort and Process: Focus on the effort they put in, their persistence, and their learning journey, not just the outcome. “You worked really hard on that puzzle!” “I noticed you didn’t give up even when it was difficult.” This builds a “growth mindset.”
- Celebrate Individual Strengths: Point out what makes your child special and unique. “You are so creative with your drawings!” “You are such a kind friend.”
- Avoid Comparisons: Each child is on their own unique path. Comparing them to siblings, cousins, or classmates only fosters jealousy and insecurity. Instead, highlight their personal progress. “Remember how you couldn’t ride your bike last month? Look at you now!”
2. “We’ll talk about this later.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: If a child hears this, especially when they’re upset or have done something wrong, they might worry that their parents are mad at them and that home isn’t a safe place to discuss complex topics. It delays resolution, builds anxiety, and can make children feel dismissed or unheard. They might also assume “later” means “never,” leading them to internalize problems or seek answers elsewhere.
✅ What to say instead: “I hear you, and this is important. I need a few minutes to think/calm down, and then we will talk about it. Let’s talk in 10 minutes/after dinner.”
Better Approach:
- Acknowledge and Validate: Start by acknowledging their feelings or the importance of the topic. “I see you’re really upset, and I want to talk about this.”
- Set a Specific Time: Don’t just say “later.” Give a concrete timeframe. “Let’s talk about this after I finish this email, in about 15 minutes.” Or, “I can tell this is bothering you. How about we sit down together after your nap to discuss it?”
- Follow Through: Ensure you discuss it at the promised time. This builds trust and shows them their concerns are valued.
- Be Honest (Age-Appropriately): If you’re too upset to talk, say so. “I’m feeling a bit frustrated right now, and I want to make sure we talk about this calmly. Can we take a break for 5 minutes and then come back?”
1. “You’re too young to understand.”
❌ Why it’s problematic: When a child hears this, they might feel shut out, dismissed, or even stupid. It discourages curiosity and sends the message that their questions aren’t important. It can also lead them to seek answers from less reliable sources (like friends or the internet) or to stop asking questions altogether, which can hinder their learning and communication with you. It also fails to acknowledge that children, even young ones, are capable of understanding a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for.
✅ What to say instead: “That’s a really good question! It’s a bit complicated, but I can explain it simply for you.” or “I’m not ready to talk about this yet, but I promise we will when I am. Thank you for asking me.”
Better Approach:
- Simplify, Don’t Dismiss: Break down complex topics into language that is age-appropriate. Use metaphors or simple examples. For instance, if they ask about death, instead of “You’re too young,” you might say, “When someone dies, their body stops working, but the love we feel for them stays in our hearts.”
- Be Honest: If you don’t know the answer, say so and offer to look it up together. “That’s a great question, and I’m not sure! Let’s look it up together.”
- Acknowledge Sensitive Topics: For very sensitive or personal questions, it’s okay to say you’re not ready to discuss it yet, but reassure them that you will. “That’s a private question for grown-ups right now, but when you’re older, we can talk about it.”
- Foster Curiosity: Encourage their questions! “I love that you’re so curious.” This builds a foundation of open communication and trust. Understanding how children process information, especially those with different learning styles or conditions like autism, can help tailor your responses; you can learn more about autism and its early signs to better understand diverse needs.
Building a Positive Language Environment
Beyond avoiding these specific phrases, consider these general tips for creating a nurturing communication environment:
- Active Listening: Truly listen to what your child is saying, both with their words and their body language. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and show them you have their full attention.
- Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You always make a mess,” try “I feel frustrated when toys are left on the floor because someone could trip.” This focuses on your feelings and the impact of their actions, not on labeling them.
- Offer Choices: When possible, give children limited choices to empower them. “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?” “Do you want to clean up your blocks or your cars first?”
- Model Good Communication: Children learn by watching us. If you want them to be respectful, honest, and emotionally intelligent, demonstrate those qualities in your own conversations.
- Apologize When Needed: If you slip up and say something you regret, apologize genuinely. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was feeling stressed, and it wasn’t fair to you.” This teaches humility and repair.
🤔 Are You Using Empowering Language? Quiz!
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FAQs About(Things You Should Never Say to Children)
How can my choice of words as a parent impact my child?
Your words have a profound impact on your child’s self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and perception of the world. Positive and supportive language fosters confidence and resilience, whereas hostile or dismissive language can lead to insecurity, anxiety, and difficulty in expressing feelings. Every phrase contributes to their inner voice and how they see themselves.
Are there specific phrases I should avoid using with my child?
Yes, phrases like “Don’t cry,” “Adults always know best,” “You’re too young to understand,” “Sharing is caring” (when forced), “Who told you to do that?” (when seeking blame), “Look at that smart kid” (comparisons), and “We’ll talk about this later” (without a specific time) can be counterproductive. This article details better alternatives for each.
How can I ensure that my words have a positive impact on my child?
Focus on validating their feelings, explaining reasons, encouraging effort over outcome, fostering independence, and maintaining open communication. Use “I” statements, offer choices, and model the communication style you wish to see in them. Be present and listen actively.
What are the hurtful words to say to Children?
Words have lasting impacts, especially on young minds. Some hurtful words to avoid include labels such as “lazy,” “bad,” or “naughty,” which can negatively shape a child’s self-image. Saying things like “I wish you were more like your sibling” or “You’re being ridiculous” can deeply wound a child’s confidence. It’s essential to remember that children internalize these comments, which can potentially impact their emotional development and self-esteem for years.
What should a parent not say to their Child?
Parents should avoid phrases that dismiss, invalidate, or excessively criticize a child’s emotions and experiences. Statements like “Stop crying, it’s nothing serious,” or “Why can’t you do anything right?” not only diminish a child’s feelings but can also harm their emotional growth and self-confidence. Similarly, comparisons such as “Your sister always behaves better than you” or unrealistic expectations like “You should always get perfect grades” can place undue pressure and foster feelings of inadequacy.
Conclusion: Empowering Children Through Thoughtful Language
In conclusion, as parents and caregivers, we hold immense power in the words we choose. The impact of our language on our children’s development cannot be overstated. By being mindful of the phrases we use and their potential effects on our children’s mental and emotional growth, we have the opportunity to shape a brighter future for them.
It’s not about being perfect, but about being present and intentional. Every conversation is an opportunity to build trust, foster confidence, and impart valuable life lessons. Let’s continue to prioritize positive communication and thoughtful language as we guide our children through their journey of growth and discovery. Together, we can create a nurturing environment where our children thrive and flourish, knowing they are heard, valued, and loved. Remember, the words you never say to children are just as important as the words you always do.
